WHY IT'S LAME RETURNING SOON

Why It's Lame will be returning shortly. 

At this time our legal counsel is advising that this be our only statement at this time.

Expect more details to come. 

Thank you for your support at this our hour of greatest need.

Sincerely,

Everyone at WhyItsLame.org

Ron Crane on Why It's Lame - Episode 2

Ron Crane on Why It's Lame - Episode 1

By Keith Troester

Rip-Offs and Scams.

For ages, the art of the grift has been honed by the unscrupulous among us. It's gone by many different names: the grift, the scam, the rip-off, the Santa Cruz Shim Sham(TM), the swindle, the sucker's sorrow, the nasty nick, and so on. It takes many different forms, sometimes playing on our sympathy, other times simply taking advantage of our stupidity or greed. But in any form, under any name, tricking people out of their money is and always will be one thing - supremely lame.

For most grifters, the quick, easy money is made by hitting the streets. Asking for donations to fake charities is one common tactic. (Warning: The National Charity Organization is not a real charity! If you believe you have been defrauded, please inform a local law enforcement official.) Others run rigged games, such as shell games or three-card monte, which rely on slight of hand. It is important to stress that in most cases these games cannot be won, so it is generally a bad idea to bet on them. Others make a quick buck on the street by simply picking pockets - not technically a scam, since the victim isn't being openly engaged in any way, but equally profitable and equally lame.

By modern standards though, these street grifters are dinosaurs - bound to one day go extinct. Why? Well, there's a new game in town, and it's called the internet. E-grifting is a growing problem in our increasingly connected technological society. Why go to the trouble of picking pockets when you can bilk people from the comfort of your own swindle-financed mansion? Millions of e-mail scams have cropped up, each more devious than the last. The goal is usually the same: obtain some important piece of the victim's personal information in order to access their bank accounts or credit cards and take their money. This usually goes by the name identity theft, but don't be fooled; despite the complicated techniques and powerful technology, this is just the old-fashioned scamola in disguise.

In order to prepare you for possible rip-offs, and to have a bit of fun, check out this scam e-mail mad lib.

Scam E-Mail Mad Lib

 My name is [2 nonsense words]; I'm the [royal title] of [foreign country]. We need to transfer the sum of [large number] U.S. dollars into an American bank account. If you provide us with an account number, you can keep [percentage] of the money.

Try it yourself; it's fun! Here's what I ended up with:

My name is Packledackle Monkbo; I'm the Emperor of Canada. We need to transfer the sum of 100 trillion U.S. dollars into an American bank account. If you provide us with an account number, you can keep 99% of the money.

Conclusion

Clearly, there are a wide variety of techniques for tricking people out of their money, without even mentioning pyramid schemes, get-rich-quick books, alternative medicine, carnival contests (actual market value of large plush animals? $7), and extended shoe warranties. Citizens of the modern world need to be ever-vigilant, doubting the sincerity of every stranger. And maybe this is the lamest aspect of grifting after all: It prevents us from trusting our fellow man.

Have you ever been the victim of a swindle? Leave a comment!

The Rat Race.

Who among us has never felt like they were merely going through the motions? Living a life they did not set out to live? Looking in the mirror we ask ourselves "Who am I? and how did I get here?" We've all been left feeling like our lives were all mapped out for us, void of mystery and intrigue.

I am not ashamed to say that I have had those moments. However, since Why It's Lame has opened our doors I have never felt like that - this work gives me a deep sense of purpose and fulfillment (FYI - we are now taking applications for contributors at whyitslame@gmail.com .) But I digress, getting caught up in the rat race can lead to wasted years and wasted opportunity.

I could continue to write about this, but I would rather show you an inspirational tale about a young man who found himself in the rat race and dared to get out! 

The video you are about to see is entitled All Mapped Out. It is directed by myself and stars the other co-founder of Why It's Lame - Ryan Broderick in an inspired performance as Drake Atwater, Jr, a plucky young dreamer who dares to believe. Together, Ryan and myself, wrote, produced and financed this production. It co-stars lifelong friend of the Why It's Lame team, Thomas "TJ" Smith. 

All Mapped Out.

 

Brett Favre.

By Mark Meagher

Brett Favre is officially lame.

For those who have been exposed to mass media in the past few months, you are by now aware the Brett Favre era in Green Bay is officially over. He is now a proud member of the New York J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets. While there are people who I’m sure are happy to have him in Gotham (Chad Pennington is not one of them, as he’s unemployed for the moment), Favre officially went from being an athlete who retired at the top of his game to being officially lame. With each click of my keyboard, images of Brett Favre's accomplishments go running through my head, which makes this so hard to write: Brett Favre, the Brett Favre, is now lame.

Athletes should retire as often as celebrities should go to rehab, once. Any more than that seems redundant, stupid, and in accordance with this site, lame. Celebrities only go to rehab more than once because they want attention and the media spotlight on them (or because they are suffering from a debilitating addiction). In this case, Favre will have the brightest New York media spotlight on him. It’s never a pretty sight seeing a once great athlete trying to scrape up his or her former glory.

When Michael Jordan retired for the second time in 1998, he was the best scorer the NBA has ever seen. (For the record, his first retirement doesn't count.) He won six titles and even starred in the blockbuster Space Jam, which came out to mixed reviews. Look for a future entry on Space Jam, co-starring Bill Murray, Larry Bird and Daffy Duck.

At least Jordan showed he could still play when he came back for the third time. Granted, his basketball skills were ok, but he wasn’t the MJ he used to be. Others were not so lucky during their comeback. Others literally got beat like they stole something.

When Muhammad Ali retired from boxing for the first time in 1978, at age 37, the only three-time heavyweight champion of the world. His place in boxing lore was stamped in history and he would be forever known as the greatest (as he himself asserted, displaying his trademark humility). He decided to come out of retirement in 1980 only to be handily defeated by both Larry Holmes and Trevor Berbick in 1981. Ali would have posted a 56-3 boxing record if he stayed retired, but chose to be defeated two more times and evidently not float like a butterfly anymore, sinking his record to a pathetic 56-5.

There is no easy way to say this, but there is no way Brett Farve can win in this situation because many prognosticators are prognosticating that he will have a horrible season which is clearly lame after he has made such a fuss over the last month. At best he has a great year and wins a bunch of games at which point the Green Bay fans will let out a resounding "Oh man that's lame," only to be comforted when Favre and the Jets lose to the Patriots in the playoffs. No matter how you add it up, this equation is going to equal lame. Favre is either going to be lame in his own right or leave the Packers faithful feeling like victims of a lame twist of fate. Either way, this will be as pretty as Janis Joplin.

I still don’t understand why retiring at the top of one’s game and with dignity is so overrated by some athletes. John Elway proved it could be done along with Wayne Gretzky and Jim Brown. Why do other aging athletes find it so hard to follow their shining example and permanently abandon their lifelong passion? Guess that’s why these one-time retirees are not examples in this piece: because they retired with dignity intact. Although in sports, if an athlete wants redemption, a winning season will take care of that.

The Innocent Victims

By Michael McCarthy

The Brett Favre saga has had a literal stranglehold on the country for over a month. Everyone's picked a side, "Oh I feel bad for Brett Favre, just let him play!" "Really? I feel bad for A-Rodge, that guy needs a chance to play, seems like a good guy." "

But what about me? A poor soul dealt a tough hand from Lady Circumstance to unfairly share a name with one of this drama's principal players - Coach Mike McCarthy of the Green Bay Packers. 

Not a second has gone by without me being stopped on the street and hearing things like "Why won't you let Brett play?" "C'mon man, let Brett Favre play!" "What's a zone defense?" "Please let Brett play!" 

I figure they must only get their sports news from the radio, because other than our dark hair and brooding eyebrows we really look nothing alike. 

Despite not actually being the coach of the Green Bay Packers, the last month or so has been truly exhausting and in actually being a Mike McCarthy, I now can let out a sigh of relief, because it's over ... it's finally over.

This Week's LTE - K-Rod's Celebrations

Ever since celebrities and athletes starting buying into their superiority they have been thanking God in an attempt (maybe sincere?) to appear humbled and show humility and this has always come off as awkward and forced. Does God really care that anyone has ever won an MTV movie award or that an athlete just did anything?

Absolutely not.

That is why K-Rod's Celebrations are this week's Lamest Thing Ever. 

Francisco "Frankie" "K-Rod" Rodriguez is in the midst of what could be a historic season as he he on pace to crush the current single-season saves record currently held by Bobby Thigpen at 57 saves. Every time he gets a save he celebrates like this:

This is an incredibly subdued celebration by K-Rod's standards and even here you see him pull the rare "double point to God twice." You are probably asking yourself "Then why did you use this subdued celebration if there are more animated ones out there?" Answer: there are no videos of those more animated celebrations. Some videos even cut away just before he goes into deranged celebration mode, only to come back right after. So now you're probably asking yourself "Well why does that happen?" Answer: it is widely believed by me that his "people" have scoured the internet, removing all video clips of his lame celebrations. 

Celebrating like a mental patient and thanking God have always been awkward, usually unintentionally funny and lame, but K-Rod has uncompromisingly combined the two with all the gravitas of the douche-y kid in a 4th grade game of kickball (the only thing my former classmate Skippy Johnson loved more than Jesus was victory.) 

When an athlete wins a big game or even when they accomplish a particularly significant personal goal, all bets are off, any level of celebration is fair game. If one wins a championship or hits a career milestone they could punch a child in the face and it would be completely understandable. When an athlete celebrates like that every single time something even marginally good occurs, it just comes off as silly and ultimately quite lame and eventually all the hurting of children will catch up to the athlete. 

K-Rod's celebration for a mid-season save against the Baltimore Orioles is similar to the celebration one would expect from one who becomes a new father and wins a 4.78 billion dollar state lottery and closes out the World Series at the exact same instant.

As of this writing K-Rod is at 44 saves. He is on pace for 67 saves. That means the world is in store for 23 more of these over the top, sacrilegious and - most importantly - lame celebrations. 

That means at least 23 more times where he'll point to God. Now let's say he does the double point to God each time - that means he will point to God 46 times. Now let us wonder aloud (or in print) if he starts pointing to God three times! That would bring us to a grand total of 69! A crass number for an athlete whose crassness knows no bounds!

Religious or not, wouldn't one have to believe that any higher power cares more about charitable works, good deeds, well wishes, dancing, smiling, and helping another than throwing a baseball pretty well?

In short: God doesn't care about K-Rod's pursuit of the single-season saves record in a contract year. 

That, along with the fact that his celebrations are just lame have made Frankie "K-Rod" Rodriguez' post-game celebrations this week's Lamest Thing Ever.

Writer's note: I completely recognize that it is silly and lame in my own right to say anything baseball related is this week's lamest thing ever and not have it deal directly with Manny Ramirez. Most of this entry was written before that drama really started to heat up, and Peter Gammons already wrote an entry in his blog that pinpoints how Manny has been lame that is world's better than I could. They have since made it Insider's Only (a pay subscription service ESPN.com does), but it's good stuff.